No Monster Left Behind

My fellow Americans. I’d like to talk to you today about the state of education in America. (Along those lines, if you can’t read, then you can’t read this. And I’m sorry. But then again you can’t read this, so it doesn’t make much sense for apologies. But I still apologize, because that’s the kind of American I am).

Education in America is in dire straits. We’re far behind the rest of the world in all levels of math, science and language skills - with the only exception coming in the area of lunch, which our American students seem to excel in.

Now, my friends, the other candidates will want to throw money at the issue. They will talk about subsidies and “think-tanks” but they won’t address the immediate need for a complete education overhaul.

Mr. Obama said recently in a speech that,

Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy. I’ll invest in early childhood education. I’ll recruit an army of new teachers, and pay them higher salaries and give them more support…

Moral obligation? Support? Every CHILD? How many of the students in his plan do you think are giant monsters? How many can’t fit in desks or use the tiny bathrooms? Where is their moral obligation and support?

Mr. McCain says,

Education is the civil rights issue of this century. Equal access to public education has been gained. But what is the value of access to a failing school? We need to shake up failed school bureaucracies with competition, empower parents with choice…

And what Mr. McCain of monster rights? Equal access to public education for man-made creatures? Does your benevolent nature not extend to the laboratory?

It is time for America to recognize the scarier factions of society that have been cast aside to special education castles, after school haunted houses and remedial swamps. We are ready for our turn in the classroom. We are ready to be the shining beacon of education for a new America. And we …we really hate castles and swamps. They are murky and they don’t get any good internet access.

No longer will monsters be passed over while the “normal” students continue to underwhelm and underachieve. Most children in today’s public school system would actually make better monsters than some monsters I know! They may have just missed their calling. I’m here to give them another chance.

According to the Washington Post,

The scores from the 2006 Program for International Student Assessment showed that U.S. 15-year-olds trailed their peers from many industrialized countries. The average science score of U.S. students lagged behind those in 16 of 30 countries in the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, a Paris-based group that represents the world's richest countries. The U.S. students were further behind in math, trailing counterparts in 23 countries.

When I am elected President, I promise that monsters will have a part in bringing those numbers up. We will end monster segregation in schools and usher in a new era of educational excellence in the United States.

However, until I am elected President, I’d recommend staying away from the public schools and instead visiting a haunted attraction near you - after all, public schools are a bit TOO scary.

- Frank