Stick a fork in it

Groucho Marx once said,

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."

As the campaign gets underway, we’re going to be hearing a lot more about “the issues”. These issues, while seemingly trivial to some people, are unequivocally vital to others. After all, it is the issues on which we built this country. We had issues with a tyrannical government across the sea and they had issues with our want of free governance. I’m going to speak with you today about a similar issue.

Each day at press conferences I’m asked more and more difficult questions. When I pause for a moment to ponder important topics, I usually make a noise similar to how people say, “hmmm...”. Unfortunately, because of an accident in my youth that damaged my nasal passages, this usually comes out as, “Unnggggghhhhhh…”. Due to that same accident, my arms sometimes need to be stretched outwards to promote proper blood circulation. The result creates a lot of misunderstanding.

The issue recently brought before my giant desk that I am here to speak with you about today is that of gun control. My fellow Americans, I think we’re missing the point here. We’re masking the real issue by speaking about a device only around for a few hundred years. What is the real problem you ask? Pitchforks.

Yes, pitchforks. Have you ever seen a pitchfork? They’re quite intimidating. What would you be more scared of when you walked down a darkened alley? A man with a concealed handgun or a man running at you with a pitchfork? I don’t even think you can conceal a pitchfork. That should say a lot.

Let me paint a scenario for you. You’re walking through the park on your way home from the graveyard or laboratory or wherever you usually hang out. Your child is with you. All of a sudden, in the distance, there’s a faint glowing. As you tighten the grip on your child’s hand you realize that glowing is coming from a group of villagers with torches (also highly dangerous) and in their hands they each carry a large pitchfork. What do you do?

Remember, as of right now, there are no such thing as “pitchfork proof vests”. They haven’t invented “pitchfork proof glass” to hide behind. There are no blanks in pitchforks and you can’t turn the safety on and off. No my friends. When you’re presented with a pitchfork there are very few options.

What is a pitchfork anyway? Websters Dictionary defines it as, “A large, long-handled fork with sharp, widely spaced prongs for lifting and pitching hay in fields”. What?! Why are people running around attacking others with this? When a threat is presented to your family, is your first thought, “Get the garden hose?” Is it, “Oh no, an intruder. Someone grab the rake?” So why is a pitchfork just lying around. I’ll tell you why - malicious intent.

The prevalence of pitchfork attacks in the US is rising at an alarming rate. More alarming is that there are currently no laws on the books regarding pitchfork legality. Having been personally chased with pitchforks many times in my life, both professional and personal, I think this is an abomination of justice. I plan on making it a part of my campaign to officially introduce legislation before Congress with the end result of “Pitching the Fork”.

I encourage all of my constituents to share their own feelings on pitchforks. Don’t be scared. Come forward!

No longer will we suffer under the five prongs of injustice.

No longer will we feel the cold steel poke of fear.

No longer will people scream, “Hey look at that huge green guy with bolts in his neck, let’s go get him and stick him with our pitchforks.”

No longer.