A jarring discovery on the state of US healthcare

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a local hospital to view firsthand the current state of healthcare in the US.

I always enjoy hospitals. For some reason I feel oddly at home among other disfigured people and the screaming isn’t always because of me. In my time I’ve had the opportunity to meet with various mummies who’ve always espoused the importance of medical supplies and I was anxious to see how this hospital stacked up.

When I arrived at Igor Memorial, the doctors and police were very accommodating and made sure I wasn’t disturbed by clearing out the entire wing I was visiting. I would’ve thanked them but they also ran off with most of the patients - most likely to ensure they didn’t try and sneak back in.

As I roamed the halls looking for someone to speak to, I examined the level of care being administered to the people. This hospital, from what I’d seen, was in a state of poor disrepair. For starters, there wasn’t even a lift for the operating table to reach the roof! I mean, for a bunch of smart doctors, you would think they would’ve thought of a way for the lightning to get in.

Also, people weren’t properly fastened down with even the most basic of leather straps. In my day, I had steel restraints…but they couldn’t even give these poor souls Velcro. The normal torches were replaced with a harsh fluorescent lighting and there were far too few levers and buttons for my taste.

But the real disappointment was the complete lack of supplies! When I was being created, my operation relied heavily on the organs and vital parts of others. These were always arranged neatly on a shelf in a laboratory in clearly marked jars. In this hospital? Nothing! And to think, they’d even named it after my Uncle Igor. I was appalled.

That is why a big part of my campaign will focus on the issue of recycled body parts. No citizen should ever have to walk into a hospital and doubt whether they have an extra kidney somewhere in a jar upstairs. Or a spare brain waiting to be implanted. And not only a normal brain, one of their choosing! Feet, fingers, noses…each should have its own jar and labeled appropriately so there is no confusion. After all, we are civilized.

Healthcare is a topic I’ll be sure to revisit over the coming weeks leading up to the election. In the meantime though, take a look and see if your doctor keeps body parts on hand. If so, that’s a great sign.

Stay scary America.

- Frank