I taught Michael Phelps everything he knows

As the Olympic Games in Beijing are drawing to a close, I’d like to congratulate all of the men and women who took part in these pursuits of excellence. It wasn’t long ago that I too was a young athlete pushing my body to its limits, and then surpassing them.

I excelled in several sports due to my advantageous size. Track & Field came naturally and I was known to clear several hurdles at a time by merely walking down the track. Javelin and shot put were another matter and normally required restraint as NORAD scrambled jets once when I launched the projectiles as hard as I could.

Swimming was also a strength of mine due to the sheer fact that by the time I dove in, I was already finished. I’ve since worked with Michael Phelps on the advantages of adding body parts to improve performance and his flippers have worked out quite well so far.

Swimming was a love/hate relationship for me though as they didn’t let me dive because the boards they used weren’t strong enough to support me. Another little known fact, they don’t put nearly enough water in the pool to accommodate a proper diver such as myself. A few spectators almost drown from the splash and I do feel bad about that.

I wasn’t allowed to compete in gymnastics either due to what my coach called “a complete lack of flexibility and grace”. I still don’t quite understand what he meant by that, he was always very cryptic.

There has been some scrutiny with the way the judges have ruled during the Games. I personally never had a problem and it seemed like all I had to do was look at the judges and they would give me 10’s. Some said it was due to the way I looked. To that I can only say that they rarely make leotards for someone who is 8”9” tall and weighs over 400 lbs. I did the best with what I was working with. Here’s a tip: sequins can make anything look better.

My trainer/doctor was probably the most important person during and after my Games. Sure he was a one-armed blind man, but he knew his way with stiches. He was so good in fact that they are still in my head to this day. That takes a special kind of skill.

So as the Olympians leave Beijing for their homes across the country, I want to again thank them for representing our country with such pride. That’s what I’m trying to do as well and with your vote for Frank N. Stein we can bring home the gold in November.

Also, in closing, I’d like to again apologize for the confusion during my marathon run which some members of the media have described as “terrorizing the locals”. To this day however I still am very active in popularizing the sport and it’s been said I’m responsible for making more people run than anyone else in history.

Stay scary America!

- Frank