My name is Frank N. Stein and I'm running for President

My name is Franklin N. Stein and I’m running for President of the United States. You can call me Frank, all my friends…well, a lot of people do.

Over the past few weeks, there has been a great deal of speculation about why I would choose to accept the Haunts Party’s nomination to run on their behalf. I’d like to take this opportunity to explain my motives behind becoming the second man-made person to run for the office of the Presidency. (The first was Bob Dole. If you don’t believe me, look at him).

There is a great deal of people who think they “know” me. They think that they know my story because they read an UN-authorized biography written over two hundred years ago by an opposition lobbyist named Mary Shelley. What they don’t know is the real story. What they don’t know is the man behind the monster. The man yearning to use his stitches to stitch together a new nation, to use his neck bolts to tighten homeland security, to use his giant feet to stomp out crime and his borrowed brain to revitalize our school system.

Need alternative energy sources? I was created when lightning struck a tower. Bring it on.

Need a stronger international presence? I’m 8’9” tall. Who would mess with us?

Need a morally responsible public figure? I’m a hideous monster - I don’t date much.

My background speaks for itself, as was evidenced in Mary Shelley’s slanderous novel. Sure, I had a rough childhood and one that wasn’t without turmoil. Growing up in a mean village on the east side of town, I was confronted daily by angry citizens wielding pitchforks and torches. Amongst all of that hatred, I was calmed by focusing on the key principle of the Haunts Party that I still carry with me today in my giant sized wallet:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all monsters are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator/Evil Scientist with certain unalienable rights and among them are horror, screaming and the pursuit of scariness.

My struggle became an opportunity for change in America. By overcoming these odds, I’ve risen to where I am today…in a position to lead America down a new and scarier path. With your help, we can make the White House a Haunted House.

Let’s scare some sense into the voters of America!

My name is Frank N. Stein and I’m running for President of these United States.